{"id":674,"date":"2021-01-16T15:12:38","date_gmt":"2021-01-16T15:12:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nethergatewriters.org\/?p=674"},"modified":"2021-03-30T19:25:52","modified_gmt":"2021-03-30T19:25:52","slug":"pas-du-tout","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/?p=674","title":{"rendered":"Pas du tout"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

by Richard Gilles<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay then, the Zoom\u2019s a half-hour late but let\u2019s be charitable and blame Brexit or Covid.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAh you\u2019re there Steve: I couldn\u2019t figure out the link.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAye Douglas, di ya mean the missing link?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSeriously I\u2019m hopeless when it comes to these things.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNice, well let\u2019s move on, can you read out the agenda.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe what?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAs the chair for this meeting you go through the agenda, you know: the list of topics to be discussed, activities etc.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI think I\u2019m in over my head.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ll just hoof it. A Margaret, nice you could join us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSteve, one more crack like that I\u2019ll, I\u2019ll \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMargaret I wasn\u2019t being sarcastic, it\u2019s the internet: you lose context.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cApologies Steve, I\u2019ve had a hell of a day. The dog has just crapped \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWendy, your sounds on mute; yes, press the mute button.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSteve, I was just saying, can you hear me, can you \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, I can hear you, but you\u2019ve just pressed the mute again. There\u2019s Jeff. I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re listening, but do you really want us to watch you adjusting your dress.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know the video was on, and for the record, this is not a dress, it\u2019s a painter\u2019s smock. I\u2019m in my studio.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a figure of speech. Now I can only see the top of your head. Is that a Jackson Pollock?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you think? That\u2019s where I clean my brushes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are just waiting for Louise and Hamish, and then we can start.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s an agenda?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot now Douglas.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe man\u2019s an idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNow Jeff let\u2019s not be judgmental.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSays the man wearing a dress.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWeesht Douglas.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not a \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAh, Louise, nice you co \u2013 I mean, it\u2019s good to see you. How\u2019s the kids?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe Jimmy\u2019s full of beans as always, but Jennifer has come down with a chill we\u2019re hoping it\u2019s not; you know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMargaret here; if she\u2019s not got a temperature, you\u2019re fine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMargaret it\u2019s good to see you, in fact, you\u2019re just the person, I was wondering if \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not that kind of doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNever mind, oh no, I\u2019ve spilt sanitiser on the keyboard, cross fingers it doesn\u2019t short. Can you understand me through my mask?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cStop shaking your head, Howitzer. Loud and clear, Louise. Now if Hamish doesn\u2019t join us soon, we\u2019ll have to start without, ah, him. Do I hear ticking?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s me Steve.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry, Hamish I didn\u2019t see you there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all right. I think the ticking is me. I\u2019ve got some bloody sourdough bread in the oven, so I might have to bloody disappear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNice bit of colour there from Hamish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, you were asking about the ticking.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMargaret, would you take the minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ve done my share.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t implying \u2013 anyway does anyone want, anyone, anyone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnyone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI said I\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Hamish I\u2019m not used to, eh, eh that\u2019s fine. Everyone, Hamish is taking the minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes Steve, we know, because we\u2019re here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks for that, Margaret. So where shall we begin?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi Hmmm.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Douglas you\u2019re the chair, so I\u2019ll hand over.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks, Steve, I\u2019ve googled agenda so touch wood and let\u2019s begin with a review of the minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo apologies then Douglas?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI stand corrected by Margaret. I have apologies from Hamish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHowitzer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe\u2019s here as well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo, you both are, well, let\u2019s see, now who\u2019s left, bear with me, ah, apologies from Samantha who is doing some yoga retreat thing in Nepal. And of course, Joe who has only two months left of his witness tampering sentence. No doubt he\u2019ll have some interesting tales to tell when he gets back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDouglas: can you speed things up, there\u2019s two or three pieces to be read out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIll met by moonlight proud Jeff. I\u2019m getting there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat are you on about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMidsummer night\u2019s \u2013 forget it, oh the minutes have, eh, disappeared, let me put a hold on these automatic updates, where was I, you know this is all like that quiz show. What was it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBlankety Blank?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks Margaret, but it wasn\u2019t that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Krypton Factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was thinking of something with a more split-screen presentation, Hamish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNever mind the \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou tailed off there, Wendy, and my lip-reading is \u2026 some rude word \u2013 you must know, Howitzer.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is this? Some kind of role call? I don\u2019t know. Scrapheap challenge. There: are you happy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re quite getting into the spirit of this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Krypton Factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve already said that Hamish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUniversity Challenge.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGetting warmer, Steve.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHip Hop Squares.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t heard of that one Louise, but it\u2019s like that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was on MTV.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, make this end. The Brady Bunch.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJeff, we didn\u2019t get that here and besides, that\u2019s not a quiz.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou get clips on YouTube, grandad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo you get ageism on YouTube too? Louise was closest, now that I remember, it was Celebrity Squares. Okay, the minutes are back, all those present were me, Steven \u2013 well you know who you are. Changes to the constitution.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBoring.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFor heaven\u2019s sake, Jeff put a sock in it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHere, here, Margaret.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSeconded. Anyway, for the sake of Jeff, we\u2019ll move on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDouglas don\u2019t be cowed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks, Steve, but I\u2019m quite capable of looking after myself. Perhaps we can talk about the proposition to increase in contributions. Is there a second to this motion? Steve, you have your hand up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI second the two pound a month increase.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t hide money.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho said that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was Hamish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLouise I would thank you to butt out. It was Jeff.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was not.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMargaret?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell don\u2019t look at me Steve.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaybe we should read our work while there\u2019s still time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I could stop you there, Douglas. Are there any comments about the piece I sent last week?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOk folks, any comments about Howitzer\u2019s \u2018piece\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s with the air quotes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry Howitzer: bad joke. I was doing peace signs. Margaret, you have the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell Douglas, I found Howitzer\u2019s \u2018Stalingrad: a soldier\u2019s tale\u2019 to be very violent.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLouise?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGruesome.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLouise says gruesome.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAgain Steve, we heard. If you\u2019re asking me, though entertaining, I also found it gruesome.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJust jump in there Jeff. One violent and two gruesomes. Steve; any thoughts?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI found the beheadings unnecessary. It was too Sven Hassel for my taste and a trifle derivative. Oh, Howitzer\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNow you\u2019ve done it. You know Howitzer\u2019s a bit thin-skinned.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat utter twaddle, he was in the SAS.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019m Jackson Pollock, Mister Moneybags.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJeff, it was you! I\u2019m sorry Douglas, but I can\u2019t stay here and be insulted; goodnight.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSteve, you don\u2019t have to apologise to me, just stay. He\u2019s gone. That\u2019s a pity. Well, anyway, who wants to read their piece. I see Wendy waving. You\u2019re still muted.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan you hear me now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, fine: go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks, Douglas. My story begins in a small township in the Caucasus. \u2018It was a dark night in \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWendy\u2019s gone completely now. Until she returns \u2013 what is it, Hamish?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you want a record of all this, talk slower: I can\u2019t keep up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJeff says I\u2019m too slow you say I\u2019m too fast. By the way, what\u2019s that smoke behind you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh shit: the sourdough. I\u2019ll have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t, and Hamish has gone as well. So much for taking care of the minutes. Louise, I believe you have a poem.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . as they walked along the Khada Valley they looked up to see the mountain tops bedecked with slender towers of \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry to interrupt Wendy, but we lost you a while back, you\u2019ll have to start again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was a dark night in \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is going on tonight? Louise back to you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, Douglas I wrote a Villanelle about the lavender harvest in Provence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSounds intriguing, do continue.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I play devil\u2019s advocate here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, you can\u2019t, Jeff. Louise: go on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think poetry is strictly what we are about here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cActually Jeff, it says in the constitution that all forms are \u2013 now look what you\u2019ve done: Louise has left.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood for you, Margaret. Thank goodness someone\u2019s au fait with the \u2013 Jeff you are out of order \u2013 and if that\u2019s the V for victory sign, it\u2019s the wrong way round.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJeff\u2019s gone, Douglas.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo it seems, Margaret.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just we two.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIndeed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cthe two of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNous Deux.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou speak French?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot really, I\u2019m just trying to impress. You?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUn peu.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cdo you have piece?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMais non. Et tu?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet\u2019s call time then shall we?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you like. Wendy, you\u2019re back! Nope, she\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Richard Gilles tells it like it is: a Zoom meeting where nothing goes to plan – with hilarious consequences.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":590,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[20,19,21],"class_list":["post-674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stories","tag-brexit","tag-stories","tag-writing"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/674","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=674"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/674\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":869,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/674\/revisions\/869"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/590"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=674"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=674"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=674"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}