{"id":953,"date":"2021-05-14T16:15:49","date_gmt":"2021-05-14T16:15:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.org\/?p=953"},"modified":"2021-05-15T10:39:27","modified_gmt":"2021-05-15T10:39:27","slug":"question-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/?p=953","title":{"rendered":"Question Time by Aileen Cook"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Question Time by Aileen Cook. Read by Greg Powrie by Pitlochry Festival Theatre\" width=\"1200\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https:\/\/w.soundcloud.com\/player\/?visual=true&#038;url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F1043196796&#038;show_artwork=true&#038;maxheight=1000&#038;maxwidth=1200\"><\/iframe>\n\n\n\n<p>This is BBC Radio 4, and now it\u2019s time for Gardeners\u2019 Question Time, which this week comes from Perth, and includes a visit to the Biggest Hedge in the World.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Bloody hell, Peter, scraping the garden barrel there aren\u2019t they? The people of Perth must be so proud.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>What?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ah, apologies, I\u2019ve been told that we have some technical difficulties, so you can still hear me. I recently went to Perth with my wife and I loved it. Really loved it. Peter, my producer, is suggesting I talk about our little break to fill time until the programme starts, but there\u2019s no need. Here\u2019s a trailer for tonight\u2019s Any Questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>To be honest, I wish we\u2019d never gone to Perth. Stupid, stupid, Perth.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And, I\u2019m sorry, we don\u2019t seem to have that trailer, and I think you might have just heard me talking about a friend of mine, coincidentally also called Perth, who\u2019s quite stupid. Let me just tell you that on Any Questions tonight there will be some panellists\u2026I don\u2019t have the names here\u2026<em>Peter, where\u2019s that bloody piece of paper?&#8230;<\/em>probably a left-wing one, a right-wing one, and some celebrity comedian or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And, now let\u2019s go to Gardeners\u2019 Question Time, which this week comes from the beautiful city of Perth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Sodding Perth.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Still no luck with Gardeners\u2019 Question Time. So, looking forward to Any Questions later on tonight, there will be some panellists, and some questions about\u2026some bad things that have happened recently. And the panel will be shocked. So, tune in for that at eight o\u2019clock tonight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Peter, any luck with the gardeners? Oh God, really? OK, I\u2019ll read it out.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And I hear that a listener has twittered us with some comment, because that\u2019s what they do now. Apparently the people of Perth aren\u2019t proud of the biggest hedge in the world because it\u2019s actually in Meikleour, which is 12.3 miles from Perth, and the lovely listener tells me that the hedge is a third of a mile long and 100 ft high. So that\u2019s quite some hedge!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>And if anyone else sends me any more tedious hedge information I swear to God\u2026<\/em><em><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And now, finally, I hear we can go to Gardeners\u2019 Question Time from the Fair City of Perth, where my wife and I had a wonderful time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Well, she had a wonderful time, the bitch. Complete and total bi\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Glitch\u2026I\u2019m sorry everyone, another glitch, they\u2019re still working on Gardeners\u2019 Question Time, the signal from Perth is just not coming through today! That big hedge in the way, I expect. So, while they do some pruning, let me update you on the happenings with the Archers tonight\u2026<em>Peter, help!&#8230;<\/em>David will milk a cow, and Jeffrey will write another novel. Probably.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Peter, stop laughing and help me out. I\u2019m dying here.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So, let\u2019s see \u2013 again &#8211; if we can now go to Gardeners\u2019 Question Time. Technical people are you there? The listeners really want to hear their programme, gardening advice doesn\u2019t grow on trees, haha, have you got it fixed?\u2026not yet?..<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Peter, I do not want to talk about Perth. It was not a great experience\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Still with me, listeners? While we wait for our beloved tecchies to fix the line between Perth and Broadcasting House, let me reiterate that Perth is an excellent holiday destination, with lots of things to do nearby, including a massive hedge\u2026Peter, my producer, is encouraging me to talk about my own holiday there. I don\u2019t think the listeners will be interested in that, Peter, you funny little man, this broadcast will all fixed very, very soon if you can just bear with us, listeners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Five more minutes? Shit!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Alright, alright, I will tell you about Perth! I went there with my wife, it was a long way to go but she\u2019s from Perth, and I wanted to ask her to renew our vows. But she spent all her time in the spa, beautifying herself, and on our last night she told me she didn\u2019t love me any more and was leaving me for someone else. And then we came home, and she left that night. So, that\u2019s why I say Sod Perth!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Happy now, Peter?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Peter \u2013 stop laughing. Why are you giving me the thumbs up? Why are you smirking like that?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Oh my God, it\u2019s you, isn\u2019t it? Oh God, how did I not know?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>You complete and utter bastard. You sadist. You piece of absolute crap! I just have one more thing to say to you, and then I\u2019m going to come behind that glass and smash your stupid face in!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And now I hear that we can, at last, go to Gardeners\u2019 Question Time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">by Aileen Cook<\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Aileen Cook&#8217;s smooth-talking radio presenter is put off his stride by enormous hedges, a holiday in Perth and a technical hitch with hilarious consequences! Read by Greg Powrie collaboration with the Pitlochry Festival Theatre Project.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":993,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[34,89,90,19,91],"class_list":["post-953","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stories","tag-comedy","tag-gardeners-question-time","tag-radio-4","tag-stories","tag-swearing"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/953","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=953"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/953\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":990,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/953\/revisions\/990"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/993"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=953"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=953"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nethergatewriters.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=953"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}